If you only know me through my blog, you'd probably think that I am fairly mellow. Patient, even. Mostly because that is what I want you to believe.

Suckers.

But, I tried to lay claim to having said patience to family members this weekend. This resulted in replies that included laughs, a "Yeah, right!" and a "Holy fuck..."

Hardly a ringing endorsement, eh?

Even the ACN giggled at me. But, she wanted me to get her some apple juice, so she said "Yeah" when I asked her if Uncle Pete was a patient boy.

So, now that the lack of patience cat is out of the I'm a filthy liar bag, I figured I'd share a few of the things that could potentially lead to me cutting you.

I don't WANT to cut you. But, sometimes you leave a dude no choice.

(Please note, that this list very much only scratches the surface of things that annoy the ever-loving piss out of me.)

- Cheering against any Canadian individual, duo or team in any kind of sporting endeavor anywhere on earth.

- Playing "Brown Eyed Girl." (HATE.)

- Saying that Lauren Graham has "manly shoulders." (I originally typed that as "MANY shoulders." Which wouldn't have been as insulting, though still kinda weird.)

- Discussing Vietnam. (Too soon. Too soon...)

- Yammering on incessantly about wine. (Nobody gives a fuck. Honestly. I saw SIDEWAYS too. I am a chicken finger connoisseur, but you don't hear me talking about batter to meat thickness ratios, or sunflower vs. canola oil. Ass.)

- Using the phrase "as all get out." (I... don't know why.)

- Talking during a movie. (If I don't know EXACTLY why the Wayans brothers are turning into white girls, I get super pissed.)

- Taking food off of my plate without asking. (Or after asking.)

- Saying anything bad about Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.

- Telling me that my lists are too short.

Labels: I was singing Crowded House's "Locked Out" in the shower this morning.