If the first thing I did this morning -- even before getting out of bed -- was watch Argentinian soccer highlights, would that make me a sports addict?

Just curious...

How about if I was completely and utterly fixated on tomorrow's Raptors/Nets playoff game?



Probably, eh?

Oh well...

While I was watching said soccer highlights -- it was Boca Juniors vs. River Plate -- I saw a commercial for eHarmony.ca

I didn't know that there was a Canadian version of the popular (I'm guessing) dating website. (Didn't I go to the 'online dating for blog fodder' well already?)

From what I can gather, eHarmony is a site where you answer an assload of questions, they take the results and perform some math voodoo on 'em, and then the site spits out a list of potential matches.

Sure. Nothing says romance and true love like a sexy math equation. Mrrrrrrooowwwrrrrr.

Let's pretend that I believe compatibility is somehow quantifiable. I think I'd have some serious concerns about the type of questions they'd ask. eHarmony doesn't know me, man. They don't know what is important to me.

You know what? I think I'll pop over to eHarmony.ca right now. And, if it doesn't involve registering, or doing anything resembling work, I am going to bring back some examples of the questions they use.

[Elevator music plays.]

I'm back.

Curses! They did make me register.

The things I do for you people.

I registered as "Raoul" from Toronto.

Okay, the first section contains 19 questions. And they are the super annoying kind where there are 7 options for how much it sounds like you, ranging from "not at all" to "somewhat" to "abso-fucking-lutely" "very much"

And I can't see the next set of questions until I answer these. Diabolical.

Here are some highlights:

#3 I feel unable to deal with things.

What the hell? Raoul does NOT like feeling like he's being analyzed.

#7 I often carry the conversation to a higher level.

If by "higher level" you mean sprinkle it with obscure Simpsons references then, yeah, that's a big "very much" from me.

#9 I often make others feel good.

Did eHarmony just ask me if I was a manwhore?

#19 I get angry easily.

You really want to ask that after 19 idiotic questions?

FYI: I filled it in to make Raoul sound completely evil. Just on the off chance that eHarmony will return a "Dude, have you considered a monastery?" verdict.

On to page #2...

Eeeesh. It is "Self Descriptions."

"Warm," "Clever," "Dominant," etc. 19 of them!

I am going to select "Not very" for all of them except for "quarrelsome." That one gets a "Very much."

(I tried to ignore "Aloof," but they made me go back and answer it.)

Hit "submit" and...

Oh crap. Section three is more Self Description. 18 more.

They all get "Not very" except for "Attractive."

Come on.

Next section...

Are you kidding me? More Self Description?

"Vivacious?"

Oh yeah, I am lousy with vivaciousness.

No wonder there are so many single people. Dinners for one and rampant, rampant masturbation have never looked so appealing.

Okay, finally a new section...

You have to select four words that your friends would use to describe you.

Sadly "writes annoyingly long blog posts" isn't an option.

I pick the first 4 and move on.

[Peter note: At this point I am completely aware that this post has gotten away from me. I should either end it or just delete it. But, I am just too stubborn for that. Perhaps I should go back and change my answer to that in section 2.]

The next section is...

"Personal Characteristics."

How in the world is that different than "Self Descriptions?"

Examples:

I have a high desire for sexual activity

Not after finishing this son of a bitch.

I often see humour in everyday life

See above.

I greatly appreciate the physical beauty of the opposite sex

Naaaaw. I'm going through all of this hassle for companionship. Jackass.

I like to look at people of the opposite sex

How is that different than the last question?

Are you trying to "out" me, eHarmony?

What have you heard?

I gave them all 4s.

Ha! eHarmony caught me:

"We notice that every question on this page currently has the same answer. This usually indicates that a user is rushing through our process, which has a negative impact on our ability to create compatible matches."

Next section...

Are you kidding me? More "Personal Characteristics":

I tend to either like someone a lot or dislike him/her a lot

I despise YOU, eHarmony.

When I get mad I tend to take it out on someone

You better hope not.

Next section... "About your feelings."

Ugh.

And I notice that I am only 42% done with the questionnaire.

Seriously.

Yeah, I can't finish this.

In conclusion, I'd have to say that my initial reaction to eHarmony is not a great one. In fact, as far as how I'd deal with being single, I'd rank my options thusly:

1) Prostitution
2) Chemical castration
3) eHarmony
4) Italian chick

As far as the questions they asked, I am not sure that they get to the source of what I'd want to know about a woman.

Sure, she is gorgeous, smart, funny and has an ass that I'd wrestle a grizzly bear just to see pictures of, but if she selected "very much" for "keep your room messy," that chick is out.

Labels: Vince Carter sucks